Not such a happy new year...

Not doing too hot. The DH started full-time school on top of full-time work again. This means I am tired, exhausted really. It's All Babies All The Time, which makes me feel less like a person and more like a full-time food dispenser. When the DH gets home he's so tired and I can see it in his face, so I try to let him take care of himself, but somehow this leaves me feeling like I never get a break. I never stop being Mom and get a chance to be Me for a minute. My depression existed long, long, long before my children, and I NEVER say that they by any means cause it, but sometimes the exhaustion that follows caring so intensely for someone else's life, just leaves me too exhausted to fight that ever-present negative psychology.
And then there is just the fact that I feel so lonely....

And loneliness makes me feel wistful, like a foggy day on the muted streets of Paris.


And Wistfulness makes me feel shatterable, like a tempered glass that's heated just a little too hot and starts to crack around the edges.


And when I feel like I might just shatter into a thousand tiny pieces, I feel this wave of emotion sweep through my chest and into my lungs,


And then it feels hard to breathe, like when you were little and playing in your make believe "fort" hiding your head under a blanket too long until the air got thick and stifling.


And when I realize I feel like I can't breathe, I feel like an awkward teenage girl again, self-consciously raw and stalled in the quagmire of my imperfection.


And when I start to feel like an awkward teenage girl...I feel the shadow of those dark years reach out and I shiver remembering that feeling of lost and utter...loneliness...


And there it is, the depressed Mormon woman's equivalent of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie...


So my depression feels a little out of control right now. Okay wildly out of control. So much so that it literally took everything I had to even want to try and get out what I am feeling right now. I've been avoiding thinking...much less writing about what I'm thinking... Reading this helped a little, though...