This is a no-win situation...

I want to bang my head against a wall.
Today has been trying. My preschooler has been trying. My baby has been trying. Even my dog has been trying. I feel like running away. I feel like hiding. I feel like hugging them. I feel a little like spanking them. I feel like I'm DrOwnInG. I feel like I need to SCREEEEEAAAAAMMMMM!

I feel like crying. 
I am crying.

Because on days like today I feel like I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can be this person, this "has-it-all-together, knows-how-to-be-functional" person. I feel angry, I feel tired. I feel guilty because I'm on my computer vomiting this while my children are wreaking havoc around me and clamoring for my undivided attention.

Does that make me a bad mom? I feel like it does. And at the same time, I don't know what else to do right now without losing it completely. And I mostly feel crappy-by-comparison, because try as I might not to, I keep thinking of all the annoying picture perfect moms in my ward who get through their days with plastered on smiles and bake cutesy cupcakes while they are at it. And even though a part of me knows that just isn't me, I still feel like somehow I'm failing to meet the Raised Bar of Mommyhood. I feel like this is all my fault. 


  1. BTDT - Perky moms at church make me want to puke. They can live behind their fake glass windows. I dno't. I am who I am.

    BTDT - you are not a bad mom. I SOOO get what you are saying.

    ((((HUGS))) Wednesday morning will come/go. Start all over.

    ((((LOVE YOU))))

    1. The DH laughed so hard he snorted when he read "Perky moms at church make me want to puke."

      As always: I <3 you.

  2. It makes you a person. I wish I could be there to hug you and help with your kids, because we all know it's easier to deal with other's children rather than your own. It is okay that you are taking "me" time for this post. It is okay to feel like spanking your kids. It's okay to want to run and never stop.

    And I wish there was a magical formula to make it all disappear, but I don't think there is one. If you find one, will you please share?

    1. I read that you would be here and hug me and take care of my children and went "Awwww". This is why Moms in most societies raised kids communally with other children! Because you are so right! I should get to work on this magical formula...I'm pretty sure it would make me a gazillionaire ;)

  3. HI there,
    I'm new to your blog...I think I came here by way of the MMB. Anyway, I took the opportunity to read your past blogs so I could better understand why you've pinned the name of "A Depressed Mormon Mom" to your Self.
    First, you are a thoughtful and passionate writer. You express your self well and I hope blogging your feelings helps give you perspective and validation of those feelings, because that's what blogging has the ability to do...give perspective and validation.

    Second, you are stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for being. Life is hard. Being a mother, (a good mother)is alot of often thankless hard work. 24/7. Especially when the babies are young and close together...sleep deprivation makes everything harder. Having a husband who is busy in school, trying to carve out his place in the business world so he can provide for his family, is hard too. Add to that, the financial strains that are inherent to being married and mothering while in school is a huge challenge. IT IS HARD. And here you are, DOING IT.
    Just like Nephi, you can do hard things.
    So here's some un-asked-for advice from an older sister:
    Pat your self on the back for NOT running away from your life.
    For NOT spanking little children when you don't know what else to do.
    Look at your face in a mirror and say, "Self, you're good enough."
    Say it until you feel the weight of those words upon your heart and you believe the messenger.

    You're doing better than you think young sister.

    1. Momza,
      Thank you:
      1. For being so genuine and thoughtful in your praise.
      And 2. for the unasked for advice from someone who has been there & survived this crazy roller coaster of Mommyness. I do appreciate the perspective and validation this blog gives me personally and that was why I started it as a kind of personal diary, but an unexpected blessing from it has been the perspective and validation I gain from the comments of others.

  4. Oh I so have days like that. You're not alone in that AT ALL. There's a lot of days that I just think "What HELL am I Doing?!" Motherhood is one of those really hard jobs (to say the least). So hating moments of it, I think, totally normal. At least you're real about instead of faking which I think would suck a lot more (well at least it would give me ulcer's). Take a couple deep breathes. I'm sending good mojo your way.

    1. I <3 mojo ;) hehehe, I also love how well you expressed my exact thoughts in a moment of crisis ("What the...???).

  5. Those other moms at church aren't perfect either. They're just shiny on the surface.

    I go through the same thing you're talking about, though less now that I've worked on lowering my expectations for myself to sane levels. I've also done a lot of reading and talking to other moms, and I know for sure now that feeling this way is completely normal. Contrary to what many say, women don't just naturally take to changing diapers and listening to screaming and being shut up inside all day long. We need fresh air, friendship, intellectual stimulation, and new experiences in order to thrive.

    I have found that having constant and reliable projects to work on (completely unrelated to family, home, and church--that's a rule) helps give me reserves to draw on during the screamy moments.

    I've been writing a book on this subject for a few years now, and I just started a blog as well. I just put up the story of my postpartum depression, and how I realized that we're all just playing to a perfect mommy ideal that doesn't actually exist. If we all spoke up about it like you, instead of pretending, I think the problem would be short-lived. If you want to stop by and read a bit, I've found that reading about stories similar to mine always makes me feel better, because it lets me know I'm not alone. Also, I'm about to start a series on making our homes happy, healthy, and guilt-free. Good luck. Remember that as long as your children have food, safety, and love, you are doing just fine as a mom.

  6. Oh, and I just noticed fMh on your sidebar. Digital high five. I'm addicted.

    1. ...I know, right? It just sucks you in... ;)

      But thank you for this ^ "We need fresh air, friendship, intellectual stimulation, and new experiences in order to thrive." LOVE that. And it is so true. This is certainly a pertinent topic for any Mother today, and I realize that expectations are a large part of the problem. I talk about this a little in a past post (PART 1: So tonight I lost it...). I am a big Project-Coper (?) myself. Although I haven't been as good lately. I do realize it, but I'm still working on Actualizing it. I had depression before I had children, as well, so perhaps it's harder for me to separate the I'm not just sucking as a Mom, but I suck as a person??? I dunno, still trying to work it out, either way. But you are right, it always helps to not feel so alone!

  7. DMM:

    You are never, ever, alone. You are not a bad mother. I feel that way almost EVERY DAY. Sometimes as Im putting my daughter to bed and we have a few quiet moments together to play and cuddle, I realize how much I love her and how guilty I feel for not being the mama I am in that moment all day. Know that you have friends who feel just like you. And those who act like it is perfect are just pretending.

  8. You know, spanking children actually is OK. Read up on how to do it properly though.

  9. Your post is not new, but I just found it and wanted to comment...for my own good, if nothing else.
    When we are told to be examples, we are not told to be examples of perfection.
    We are told. to. be. examples.
    We need to be examples of having very human experiences...and dealing with them in human and sometimes divine ways.
    Why not let all moms vent on the internet...and then come back with a "yep, that was a hard day, and here's how I got through it..."
    You rock.
    We all rock.
    Because...we are all human...and mommy-hood is tough.
    No other job in the world demands of us what our brood does.