What do we fill our days with?

Do you ever stop at the end of the day and wonder,

"What did I do today?"

No, no I'm not jumping on some stupid bandwagon of saying being a stay-at-home-mom isn't the same as working. Not at all, it's freaking ridiculously hard, unrelenting work. Managing a household is intensely hands-on work...but for the most part, it's monotonous, repetitive ridiculous work. I thought this today as I put ALL of my Littles' clothes back in the dresser for the 2nd time. Baby Little is walking now, and at every opportunity loves to pull each piece of clothing out. Today it happened right after I spent an hour folding the clothes and putting them away. I spend my day cleaning up a mess, only to have them make another, and then cleaning up that one. Dishes and Laundry, need I say more?

Lately I've been spending a lot of time and energy planning Baby Little's first birthday. I spend a lot of time fixing and painting things around the house. I still waste a lot of time on Facebook. I watch too much Netflix, usually while I clean or nurse.

I do A LOT in a day, but at the end, I find myself sitting alone in the living room with all of my house in bed feeling like, "What did I do today?"

For some reason, this thought makes me feel incredibly lonely.
When my husband came in the room for a minute before he went to sleep and went over all of the things that he needed help getting done tomorrow and our plans for the rest of the week, that made me feel Lonely, too.

I've been sitting here stewing, trying to figure out why. I think it's because I feel like modern life is So Busy. Just Busy. It's the idea, I guess, of quantity over quality. We fill our days with the mundane musts, a billion little projects, and work work work. As I've illustrated before, I am a Dixie Chicks fan. One of the songs says something like,
"We run on the treadmill, keep slaving away, till there's no time for talking about troubles in mind, and the doors are all closed between your heart and mine. More Love, I can hear our hearts crying, more love."

And this is why I think having such a "busy" modern day is still lonely. We spend our time in our own homes or our own jobs just filling out the Checklist of things to be done. We grow addicted to the virtual reality of TV shows and social networks, because we want to feel apart of a community. But there is no substitute for face time. No remedy for the fact that relationships are like plants, and need to bask in the sunshine of quality time together. There is no fixing the fact that we need Each Other.


8 comments:

  1. I know this feeling very well,
    usually I think for life before 1000 years
    which was very simple and I wish if I was there.

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  2. Let's be friends, friend/

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  3. Wow!! I somehow stumbled across your blog and have been scanning through reading. This is crazy depressing!! I'm getting married next year, and my fiance and I plan on starting a family, but you all make it sound like such an awful thing!! Here's a thought: dont dwell on the tough, depressing times...they just bring you down further!! Look at the positives in life :) Your baby's first steps, first words, first day of school, first highschool prom..... and thats only a grain of sand in the desert. Theres so much more!! Im going into starting a family with a positive mind and a smile on my face and we're going to enjoy every minute of it!

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    Replies
    1. Ah Janice,
      you represent a large subsection of our society that doesn't understand mental illness. So here's a thought: educate yourself. Granted you don't have any idea, because you haven't done it yet. Real life is tough. Raising children is incredibly difficult. Real clinical depression isn't about having a "positive mind" and is about unbalanced chemical levels and daily struggle. I doubt you would tell someone with cancer to "focus on the positives" but then again, maybe you would. I will agree that trying to maintain positive affirmations is important (see blog post "10 minutes"). But regardless, this blog is an outlet for REAL LIFE. It's a personal means of purging the difficult stuff, and along the way people who are older and more experienced have come to connect and empathized that this is normal and a part of life. Talk to me after 10 years...then tell me you enjoyed every minute of it.

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  4. Alright. I will come back here in 10 years and prove to you that life can be enjoyable if we dont dwell on the negatives all the time. Enjoy motherhood, because i know im going to!!!

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  5. Janice.

    I hope your life is full of rainbows and unicorns...bc that is wht those of you who don't understand mental illness think...its all lalala! "@puke@

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  6. i LOVE YOUR POST! FOR SO LONG HAVE I FELT LIKE I AM ONE OF VERY FEW PEOPLE WHO FIND HOUSEWORK MUNDANE. MY KIDS ARE A LITTLE OLDER SO I HAVE NO LONGER TODDLERS RUNNING MY LIVE 24/7. NOW I HAVE TEENAGERS RUNNING MY LIFE. I DO HAVE A JOB OUTSIDE OF THE HOME WHICH HELPS ME KEEP MY SANITY (OOPS! DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?) I ABSOLUTELY HATE! HATE! IT WHEN PEOPLE IMPLY THAT STAYING AT HOME BRINGS THE GREATEST JOY. TRUE, I AM HAPPY I GOT TO BE THE ONE TO STAY WITH MY LITTLE ONES, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I TOO DISLIKE ALL THE TO-DO LISTS AND THE OVERLY BUSY SCHEDULES...HANG ON SISTER, LIFE WILL GET A LITTLE BETTER :)

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  7. I give Janice one year, not ten, to wake up to reality. Shouldn't even take that long.

    Marriage and motherhood is full of rain clouds and learning to enjoy them is not so much a matter of finding the silver lining, because many times there just ain't no silver lining. It's more a matter of learning to enjoy rain. You know what I mean? You can hunch down and bemoan your fate, or you can jump in the puddles. But either way, it's gonna rain.

    Pretending that the sun is shining when it isn't doesn't get us anywhere. There is a lot of truth in this post and truth is a good thing. Many of us married moms just feel so helpless against the endless line of rote labor. Sharing this burden with others is one way to lighten the load. I didn't find this, or anything else on this life depressing at all--just truthful. And it makes me smile knowing that others are facing the same things I am and making it through somehow.

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