Disappearing...

Sometimes, when the anxiety and the depression gets really bad, I feel like disappearing. And then I sort of do. I disappeared the last few months. I was just treading water, and to keep myself afloat sometimes I have to rid myself of anything extraneous that can bog me down. Not that the blog gets me down, but sometimes writing gives me more anxiety, like when I just don't feel like I have the words to truly suffice. I still feel like that a bit, so today I'm going to take the easy route and with a Friend of the Blog's permission, re-post her exact blog from a few days ago. She is affectionately known as Ladybug on her private mommy blog, so for your enjoyment:  Merry Christmas!...Wait...Happy Easter?


"Though I realize this may be a strange forum to do so, I have had something on my mind nagging me for the past several weeks that needs to find some form of expression.

This nagging discontent has to do with a time of the year that is the most holy to me, as a Christian. To my friends who I know read this blog and are of different belief systems, if you feel comfortable doing so bear with me and I will explain something that shaped the very core of who I am...and if that isn't at all interesting to you I will be discussing some details of Christian history that you may or may not find intriguing.


Obscure point of LDS (Mormon) doctrine here, but we do not actually believe Christ was born at Christmas time. Like most of the modern scholarly Christian world, there is dissension amongst LDS scholars about when the possible date may be (see here), but for the most part there is some general consensus of a belief that he was born early in the month of April. This is perhaps loosely supported by the earliest known speculations on Christ's birth from about 200 AD where Christian teachers in Egypt speculated the date of his birth to be March 21, April 21, April 15, or April 20...ish. Truthfully, there is little known and no scriptural reference that leads us to an exact date for his birth (see here and here). This is complicated by the fact that Christmas itself was actually not celebrated by the early Christian church and apostles. The practice of celebrating Christ's birth didn't come into fashion until well into the third century. By the time it did begin to be celebrated and mentioned in early writings, the dates had somehow become December 25 (in the Western Christian tradition) and January 6 (in the Eastern Christian tradition).

Now, this is all backstory, but to my point...
I love Christmas. I am not a hater. I, like most LDS people, see no harm in celebrating Christ's birth at a time that tradition and the federal government have dictated, and that my husband's employer so lovingly gives him paid time off for. Perhaps for some, the obscurity of dates is maddening, frustrating, possibly even cause for disbelief. For me, it is  an understandable historical flaw when no written records can be found.

But as we all know, modern Christmas has also become a time of some digression from its roots. Santa has become as important as the Virgin and her babe, and Presents the culminating importance of the commercialized and oversold day. Christmas has become such an all-important holiday, that some people literally begin decorating, planning, and preparing for it in October as soon as they get home and take off their Halloween costumes. Like I said, I don't hate Christmas, I love it. I enjoy the messages of goodwill, peace on earth, and the focus on being better.

My sadness this past week has been that Easter, the holiday that literally celebrates the culminating day in the life of the Savior, has in some ways in LDS culture become Christmas' Little Brother. With Easter little more than a week away, where are the signs of the season? Of course, I am not talking about pastel decorations and eggs and bunnies (although I love those fun traditions, too), but I am talking about the messages of hope, love, and forgiveness that we spout throughout the month of December.

Unlike Christmas, Easter has always been a central, holy day for Christians. The Four Gospels spend great care documenting each important step in Jesus' last days, including the time and place. And by all accounts it is likely that from the time it occurred it was celebrated and commemorated each year.

But why has this effected me so deeply this year, why does it make me so sad that no one talks about having the Easter Spirit? Partially guilt, because I love holidays and easily fall prey to their commercialization, but also because as I thought about how to explain this holiday to my little girl I realized just how core this holiday is to the person that I am. To me, this is the holiest of holidays, and I need my girls to know that. I need them to know that Christmas is beautiful and wonderful, but that it doesn't matter where you start your life, it's how you Live your Life. I need them to know that True Love is not measured by what someone is willing to give to us, but what we are willing to sacrifice for them. I need them to see the example of Him who taught us that we aren't the Judge of another person's pain and life, and that the greatest of us, those we should serve, are the poor, the meek, and the afflicted.

I need them to see the ultimate, poised beauty of an Atonement that gives solace to every pain, hunger, affliction, and temptation that exists in a world full of grief and pain and bitterness.



This is the message that has formed how I see the world, how I Hope for the world. Though I may doubt and falter on so many things, and I know that goodness exists in so many faiths and beliefs, my own path has always led me back to the message of my Savior, Jesus Christ. It is not a message of fire and brimstone, it is a message of Ultimate Love & Peace."


2 comments:

  1. I missed you!
    I know we share the same brain. Certain of it.
    This roller coaster we are on...it sux. I love rollercoasters. Hate this one.

    I appreciate your honesty. Personally, I love ready the things other LDS mommas say in regards to depression, anxiety, suicidality, and all over....stink part of this rollercoaster.

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  2. I also had a depressive tailspin this last month-and-a-half-ish. No bueno. I've missed your musings, but most of all I hope you are being kind to yourself.

    What a lovely post about Easter. To me Easter has always had the feeling of possibility. That we can overhaul ourselves and become new. And, really, isn't that what Christ is all about?

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