We had our magical night.
It is, Enough.
I started this blog because I couldn't keep in all the crazy chaos that I truly feel in my life. I don't know how to be a picture perfect Mo-Mo-Mo (Molly Mormon Mommy, for those of you outside the Mormon culture). Hell, I don't know how to be a picture perfect anything. I take that back. I DO know how to be a picture perfect basket case, and that is exactly the problem.
Let me explain, my last post was right, I do Suck At Life, sometimes.
It was also a lie, though, because while there are No Takebacks, there are Do Overs. I know that people from many different backgrounds and belief systems may chance upon this post, but what I feel right now...How I feel right now, has to do with my faith as a Christian. It is a Biblical passage that says, "This too shall pass."
I've learned over the years that as much as I suck at life, I suck ten times more at internalizing pacifistic statements like that one. So I've evolved it to match my life, and this is about how the conversation between me and God goes in my head (picture something like a conversation out of Fiddler on the Roof):
Me: God, I feel terrible. I feel worthless. I feel small, insignificant, and I ache inside.
God: But my child, I love you.
Me: God, I know that, I mean I know people tell me that, but right now I just feel so sh*tty that I can't even really believe. I hear it, but I can't take it in.
(Here I also stop and reflect on the fact that, yes, I did just swear in front of God, and Yes, he did in fact give me The Eyebrow for it, but decided to let it slide due to more important concerns at hand.)
God: Well, what could I say that you would believe?
Me: Hmmm, good question God. You know people are constantly questioning you, but I imagine it's a little more rare that you get to ask some of them.
God: Yes, it is. Now answer the question.
Me: Sheesh, fine. Well, I guess right now I can't really seem to believe anything but the things I'm feeling inside myself.
God: So you're saying you won't believe me, The Creator of the Universe, but you can trust your inner emotions that are both easily swayed and affected by imbalanced chemical levels due to a diagnosed mental illness?
Me: Well, sure when you say it like that...Man, questioning you is a whole hell (God Eyebrow here, again) of a lot easier than being questioned by you.
God: Child, I know you. I know when you get into dark places you struggle to hear my voice in you. But, when all seems impassable, just remember like the dark before the dawn, This Too Shall Pass.
Me: ............(pause to think, I do that sometimes, think I mean).............God, many people tell me that, and I know that it should help me, but there's this little malevolent voice in my head telling me that that doesn't help me now, because even when I get back to a sane, stable place somehow I always seem to lose it again and it slips away into chaos.
God: *sigh* (He sighs at me a lot, in my head) Child, my voice can create worlds and universes, so when I use it to speak with you, I never do so without choosing my words carefully. When I speak, when I use an example I do so with purpose. I likened your path to the darkness and the dawn. Think, my child, does the sun rise and set only once in your lifetime? Of course not, the darkness is followed by the dawn, and the dawn turns into the brightness of day, but then...the day wanes, and the darkness returns.
Me: God, I don't know if you realize this, but that sounds really pessimistic.
God: CHILD, WHEN the darkness returns (because return it must for the world to continue turning) DON'T FORGET, This Too Shall Pass, because as surely as the darkness must return the dawn that follows must return also. Yes, the darkness will come again after that, but then SO WILL THE DAWN. (God doesn't so much yell at me as Articulately Express)
Me: Wait, so your saying, "This too shall pass" isn't the End-All, Be-All. (I'm kind of slow, okay?)
God: *Sigh #2* Child, for you who struggles so much in this world, let me amend this. Here is what you need to know -
I love you. This too shall pass....And then come again. But, Don't Worry, that shall pass, too.I thank God for Do-Overs. And for Bob Marley music. Mostly, I'm thankful for a sense of humor that returns after the darkness has abated a bit.
*sidenote: while I have experienced many facets of mental illness, hearing voices is not one of them. So please, don't take this literally. It's a poetic treatment of how I interact with God on a personal level