I feel it in my bones...

Some days I feel: old.

When I was young people used to say that I had an "old soul". Now, I am not young, but my soul still seems to be aging away. Sometimes, I am grateful for this. This week has seen a lot of grief in my loved ones lives. There  have been loved ones lost in tragic and terrible accidents. So terrible, so sudden, that all I can think to do is cry and hold my babies tight, grateful and slightly ashamed that someone else, someone who I feel deserves more than me has lost so much more than she deserves.

And for all of the difficulty, the roller coaster, the strain & stress of Daily Living...when faced with the alternative of Life cut short by Death the human mind naturally comes to a place of contemplation, a place of reflection.

My contemplation makes me feel the need to find a space of peace in my life. There are critics and harassers in the world who pointedly disagree with my viewpoint in life. That is to be expected. I sometimes think that if no one at all disagrees with you, then you are either a doormat or a bully.

My life is not easy. In fact, most peoples' isn't. That is also to be expected. I cannot expect easiness to come any more than I can expect the waves to stop beating against the shore.

My life is not perfect, but it is mine. I can make changes. I can do hard things. I can cry/scream/yell/blog when it gets to overwhelming. There is no shame in this. There is only emotion. Pure, raw God-given emotion.

My disease is Not My Fault. Not managing my disease, my depression, as well as I should, that is sometimes my fault. Not taking care of myself as well as I should, that is also usually my fault, but today I am finally beginning to own the fact that I Did Not DO Anything to Deserve This. My loved ones, they did not DO Anything to deserve their personal tragedy, either.

It just happened.

And that, that sad fact will age your soul the second you fully comprehend it.

1 comment:

  1. (((HUGS)))

    Thinking of you.

    Awarded you with a bloggy award last week.

    Hang in there.
    Sending love to you.