If I could write you a song...

If I could write you a song...

I would write a tune that stirs your soul and makes you remember that Beauty lives...

I would sing it to you everyday and every dark, dismal moment when the sun doesn't shine and sky is caving in...

I would compose some catchy lyrics, that ease your soul and lift your burden...

But in that long chorus would be the ones that capture your pain, reflect it back to you...like a mirror of validation to ease your troubled mind...

I would be able to belt it from the rooftops, unafraid of who might hear me sing it...

Unafraid of their judgments our criticisms, unafraid of allowing my Whole Self to present, instead of the pieces of my personality I use to make others feel comfortable...

I would make you feel it so deeply that your heart feels like it may just pound its way through your skin and charge outward into the deep, dark, wonderousness of the atmosphere....

If I could write you a song...

But I'm no songwriter. So the tune falls dead on this very page.

Where am I?

The great thing about the cyber world is that it is sooooo easy to disappear for a while. I didn't just disappear, I dropped off the face of the cyber-planet, I know.

*Sigh*

But I did it for a reason.

I did it because I needed to make some changes. Big, Tough, Scary changes.
And do you know what Big, Tough, Scary changes did for me?
They helped.

They helped me find peace and joy.

They helped me cope on the days when absolutely NO peace and joy were in sight.

So why am I back here? Back talking to my proverbial shadow?

Well, there's 2 reasons really:

1) I went away because I, personally, needed to try some other mental health/venting exercises besides the blog....but when I did so, I deeply missed the input and charm and empathy of the wonderful people who somehow found me and joined me on this journey. If you are reading this, I missed you. I really, really did.

2) Much like a shadow, I will not ever be able to separate myself from this disease. It is a part of me. When I am standing in a place of light and knowledge is when I can see that most clearly.

So, I'm back. And though right now I desperately need to turn off the Olympics and just go to sleep, I promise I will come back soon and document all the BTSCs (Big, Tough, Scary Changes) I've been making.  But for now, if you want a feel-good, empowering moment, watch this:

I feel it in my bones...

Some days I feel: old.

When I was young people used to say that I had an "old soul". Now, I am not young, but my soul still seems to be aging away. Sometimes, I am grateful for this. This week has seen a lot of grief in my loved ones lives. There  have been loved ones lost in tragic and terrible accidents. So terrible, so sudden, that all I can think to do is cry and hold my babies tight, grateful and slightly ashamed that someone else, someone who I feel deserves more than me has lost so much more than she deserves.

What do we fill our days with?

Do you ever stop at the end of the day and wonder,

This is a no-win situation...

I want to bang my head against a wall.

We are ALL CHILDREN OF OUR HEAVENLY PARENTS!!!

There have been several research studies done about how depression/anxiety affect the personalities of those who suffer from them. One of the positive attributes that is typically seen in depressive people is an increased ability for empathy. This is a really beautiful thing that I have always been truly grateful for from this disease. Our trials shape us, they shape the people we become, and it brings me some measure of peace to know that this illness has helped me to better understand and relate the Dearly Loved Children of God that surround me.

Can you keep a Secret?

Here's a little, dirty secret for you that you might not like:

Top of the World

I can't get a song out of my head...

Ah, the nights I hear these words echoing in my brain, and there is so much of it that I feel so keenly.
I wish I didn't feel like songs like this pour out of my soul.
I wish I could really be heard, could turn my brain inside out so I can explain this disease.
I wish this disease didn't make me feel such an intense need to be completely understood, and at the same time make that virtually impossible.
I wish I knew how to take my loneliness and your loneliness and make them meet and meld in the the middle so that we could all be UnLonely in our loneliness.

The Loss of Humanity...

It's late, I am exhausted. I had a really good day. I got a lot of things done, managed to do everything in fairly good time, and escaped with only minor meltdowns by either of my children. My Littles were so tired that neither fought going down for the night. My husband was also in that boat, and was snoozing peacefully when I went in the room to plug my cell in before it died. I thought that it was a really good day, and for once, I was tired enough to toss insomnia to the wind and fall into my pillow at a reasonable hour.

And then...

Disappearing...

Sometimes, when the anxiety and the depression gets really bad, I feel like disappearing. And then I sort of do. I disappeared the last few months. I was just treading water, and to keep myself afloat sometimes I have to rid myself of anything extraneous that can bog me down. Not that the blog gets me down, but sometimes writing gives me more anxiety, like when I just don't feel like I have the words to truly suffice. I still feel like that a bit, so today I'm going to take the easy route and with a Friend of the Blog's permission, re-post her exact blog from a few days ago. She is affectionately known as Ladybug on her private mommy blog, so for your enjoyment:  Merry Christmas!...Wait...Happy Easter?


"Though I realize this may be a strange forum to do so, I have had something on my mind nagging me for the past several weeks that needs to find some form of expression.

This nagging discontent has to do with a time of the year that is the most holy to me, as a Christian. To my friends who I know read this blog and are of different belief systems, if you feel comfortable doing so bear with me and I will explain something that shaped the very core of who I am...and if that isn't at all interesting to you I will be discussing some details of Christian history that you may or may not find intriguing.

Things I'm Sick Of...(and it isn't sex)

Not such a happy new year...

Not doing too hot. The DH started full-time school on top of full-time work again. This means I am tired, exhausted really. It's All Babies All The Time, which makes me feel less like a person and more like a full-time food dispenser. When the DH gets home he's so tired and I can see it in his face, so I try to let him take care of himself, but somehow this leaves me feeling like I never get a break. I never stop being Mom and get a chance to be Me for a minute. My depression existed long, long, long before my children, and I NEVER say that they by any means cause it, but sometimes the exhaustion that follows caring so intensely for someone else's life, just leaves me too exhausted to fight that ever-present negative psychology.
And then there is just the fact that I feel so lonely....